that hurt a lot but it's probably for the best.
my heart hurt all weekend, for various reasons.
& you both don't even know you did it.

should i even bother?
probably not.

i'm about to make a decision that's going to change everything.

here we go.

5:43am EDIT: that took a long time, but i feel better about things.

life has been pretty good. things have been pretty busy but i think i'll have more time to myself this week. i just need to study, read, write and check out our gym. i've been looking into the sailing and rock climbing classes. i'll get into one of them as soon as i figure out my schedule. visit me dammit!

i love my friends, you guys know i do. i hate feeling like i don't have enough time to see everyone. i try! i had fun at the jungle party friday night. i have lots of body paint all over my clothes and bag to prove it. it was good seeing so many people. it's been too long! i blame irvine.



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since august 23, 2007?

to the many people who graduated this past month! stefo got to listen to oprah at stanford's grad, while we got to watch glory and mara graduate with james franco. :) i didn't know he was a writer. i want to read his stories/novel! see video:



makes me want to watch freaks and geeks. there would have been a video of glory walking too, but we were too into trying to top the samoan family's cheering.

Just knowing I touched one child's life makes everything worthwhile. There's a possibility I will be leading art lessons with kids in the fall as well as teaching poetry. I'm stoked.

i'll get around to writing. last saturday was the third year MFA reading & 70s/80s prom. it was a lot of fun. you can't really see my smurf tights, or how feathered my hair was. don't worry though. i'll find more occasions to bust 'em out.


:]


justin!


ben!
ah, and i just came across this. enjoy:

"Men with Glasses" by Stephen Colbert

I am sexy. This isn't ego talking: People magazine says I'm sexy, and I accept that. Who am I to argue? I'm just a person. They're People.

I'm sure some of my sexiness I was simply born with, but I'd be a liar if I said I didn't cultivate it. Take my glasses. They are utterly unnecessary. I was born with perfect vision. Eyes of an eagle. But authority is sexy, and nothing bestows a sense that you know what you're talking about like specs. And boy, do women respond! How do you think Henry Kissinger landed Candice Bergen? It wasn't the secret bombing. How did Salman Rushdie get that exotic dish who hosts Top Chef? It wasn't the heresy. It was the glasses.

Of course, putting on a pair of glasses simply for that sexy air of authority would be a lie, and I am not a liar. So six years ago I had Lasik to make me nearsighted. Now I can wear my erotically corrective lenses with a clean conscience.

Best part: Every time I see a guy wearing a monocle, I know I'm twice as sexy as he is.

i feel everything and nothing all at once.

to be continued...

reason #35135213744 why asuka rules my world:



six fingered peace sign. yesss. thanks glory! hahaha, this totally made my day.

i feel just like this:


i'm on such a high right now. last night i cried myself to sleep only to wake up to an amazing day.

today started off rough but i
_had a wonderful day on set with everyone for today's photoshoot. our model, tanisha harper, has a scene in forgetting sarah marshall. i still need to see it!
_got a free bag of cookies from boudin when i went to pick up lunch
_got to walk right up and introduce myself to the directors of our undergrad/mfa creative writing program
_got to edit the kid's poems. they're going to be stoked to read our responses tomorrow
_finally attended a break the silence and john encouraged me to share a piece and i did!

it's a good milestone for me to have read something personal in front of maybe 80 people i didn't know. not only was it their one year anniversary, but i was one of their 10 readers! i rarely share my writings and am glad i shared one tonight, and had the support of john, josh, mikey, alex, and so many others i did or did not know. and i made new friends with people from UCI's spoken word group that was randomly there! i talked about Life Rolls On and those suffering a S.C.I. (spinal cord injury) when i had the mic, had people like my story and then approach me after to talk and give hugs. this is all i want to do--move people and reach out to others, and tonight i did just that.

tonight i held one day old baby stephanie in my own two hands. i've been so anxious for kim to have her baby and now tiffany and sang have a little baby sister. it was amazing to meet and hold her. pregnancy and labor have always freaked me out, but being around so many women through their pregnancies and actually getting to hold her and watch her gaze into her new world puts me at ease. i can see myself having kids more and more and it kind of freaks me out, in a good way. one day.


in less than a month i will be far, far away and tucked into my own little world. i intend to keep it that way for at least a year, and i'm not looking back.

good launch at the bookstore. good times at the pub. good tipsy paper writing. good late night sit in the library. good sleep over. good sex & the city. good sleep. good spinach wrap and açaí super antioxident smoothie. good writing day in the library. good having no work today. good to be going to see the kids later. good talk on the crazy mind of lynch in class. good rest of day spent hanging out/perfecting my stories/poems.


then i'll spend the rest of my weekend at beaches, either laying out, bonfire-ing or hopping around the drum circle.

went to the orange county museum of art last weekend. this is a DRAWING. click the photo for larger image.


amazing shadow work by a newport native years back. i could look into it forever.

&&& i'm so happy for the same-sex marriage law being overturned. i demand to be flower girl at your same sex marriage. i'll frolic down the aisle, pixie style throwing sweet goodness up into the air.

weekends just aren't long enough anymore.



( In my fantasy you look good entwined, In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine )

i am very much excited for his art show next month.
please let there be some affordable prints.
i've been very inspired lately.

i am tired. so very tired. i can't wait for summer so things can slow down. [who am i kidding?]

here's a good one from last week's reading:

Alan Shapiro's new book contains a remarkable section headed "from The Book of Last Thoughts." Each poem presents the dying thoughts of a different character in a form appropriate to that speaker. This one, for instance, is in rhyme:

( COUNTRY-WESTERN SINGER )

i have a midterm tomorrow, but i just want to sleep. or write. here are some random pictures. i'm still wearing make-up from this contest thing i did earlier in huntington. sometimes i wonder if modeling would be selling out. people plant the idea in my head. i want to be recognized for non-superficial reasons. i was presented with an opportunity to model but i don't know if it'd be a wise move. i like using my looks/body for artistic purposes, unless it's a brand/look i really like.


funny bag.

sweet goods.

drum circle.

lights out.

i am so hurt, but i'm glad to know i have my friends when i feel like i don't have much else. you all keep me so strong. i could have fallen so many times before. these legs will only hold so much.

****: know what I really like about you?
me: aw what?
****: you seem to see the bigger picture
****: and realize that you shouldn't bother with petty shit
****: I think you're the most mature person i know
me: awwwwwwwww
me: thank you, that's such a huge compliment
me: =)
me: i try to keep a level head
****: i know
****: you seem to be doin a good job
****: people like you see life in ways that most people could never imagine
****: thats why I like talking to you, I feel like you can relate even if you haven't been in my position
me: aw =)
me: that's one of my biggest goals! to just have a broad sense of understanding and empathy
me: because i think that's really important
****: it is
****: though most people dont really consider it so
me: yah, they don't. most people are too self-obsessed

thank you for your kind words. you have no idea how much they truly mean. it's hard keeping a level head and not giving up in situations like these. actions speak so much louder than words. i'd like to think words mean a lot, but they can only carry so much. sometimes i need to see it to believe it. i think my idealism will be the death of me. things will be better in a few months. summer will be good.



and on an unrelated note, i am love sick. phooey. i am completely single, but someone intrigues me. patience.

edit: i'm feeling a bit better. before all this hit i was having a peaceful, productive day. i dug out my sketch book and tried to draw a few things. i found my tracing paper but don't know what to trace first. i reorganized my art box and came across some prints i forgot i had, and a cute little drawing liz wong included with her piece for me. i can't wait to hang them up again. i found some more scholarships i'd like to apply to. last night i finally sat down and wrote down a poem that was burning to get out. it's one of the first poems i'm serious about fixing and showing people. i've had poetic moments in the past but i tend to let those find places in my journal entries or stories. poetry is neat and i'd like to use it as releasing various energies. it's neat to be able to whip something out like that. not as hard as i thought it might be. now to pursue a few musical endeavors. i'm off to sew a few things.

"do you like saber-toothed tigers?!"

"why are you so short?"

"why are you so pretty?"

"do you like waffles?"

"do you have any pets?"

student: "how old are you?"
me: twenty-two
students: collective gasp!

man i've missed the 3rd graders. though it can be draining i love their energy. they are so cute and funny!